Understanding Her

Understanding is both a tip and a tool. It is important to be understanding when your wife is sharing pain. This exercise helps show you how.

There is one tip of caution before you proceed: never, ever say “I understand” to your wife. When you use that statement, your wife will automatically think many things, including, “How could you understand? I didn’t cheat on you, lie about my sexuality, create a secret you have to carry, make you question everything about yourself, and run the risk of destroying our family.”

The words “I understand” are a grenade to your marriage. This is a place where you need to accept that you don’t understand, and please, never say it to your wife in relation to what you have done to her.

Understanding means to STAND UNDER. Most men seek to be understood, but that comment puts your wife under you, and again, it’s all about you. In recovery, seek to understand her—not for her to understand you. The choices you made are irrational, so they can’t be understood.

It is easier to try to understand her. If she needs understanding and you shift the focus to you being understood, she will escalate, hoping to get her needs met. If you continue to make the situation about you being understood, she will escalate again.

If you notice a pattern that your wife continues to escalate, you’re probably not seeking to understand her. It is in your masculine nature to make it about you, fix it, and move on. But this process will show you that it’s about her, and there are no quick fixes. Staying with the pain or feeling is the objective of this exercise.

Understanding Exercise: She is Sharing Her Pain

1. Try to hear her heart, not her mind. Pain isn’t logical or factually accurate. That’s not where you want to go (fixing the facts).

2. Discover and explore her feelings. Ask her:

   • What are you feeling?

   • Can you tell me more about that?

3. Validate her feelings. Remember, feelings are not truth or factual.

   You can state: “I can see you’re really feeling…”

4. Take responsibility.

   • I caused this pain.

   • I am responsible for what you’re experiencing.

5. Ask her what she needs from you.

   • Is there anything you need from me?

   • Whatever she says is what she needs.

6. Follow through.

   • Don’t try to be rational; just accept that this is what she needs.

   • Whatever she needs that is reasonable, you do.

   • She might need space, a hug, or just sitting with her (remember, it’s an honor to just sit with her).

Example Dialogue

"Honey, it looks like you’re having some painful feelings. What are you feeling? (Listen.) Are there any other feelings, or can you tell me more about that?

How often do you feel that? (Remember, pain makes her feel alone.)

That feeling is so valid. I absolutely can see why you would feel that way.

I am sorry I caused this pain for you. It’s totally my fault you are going through this today.

Is there anything you need from me? (Listen.)

I can do that."

Tips for Practicing Understanding

• Practice this with an empty chair about five times.

• Then ask your wife if you can practice listening to her pain so that when she needs you, you can be there for her the way she needs you.

• When you have finished, have her give you a grade: A, B, or C. Try to do this as many times as it takes to get three A’s in a row.

• Give her a chance to provide feedback so you can learn from her what she needs.

  
  

When you are understanding, the majority of women calm down, become clear on what’s going on, and have no need to escalate because they believe you actually get it.

You get that she has pain. You get that she needs to share her pain. You get that she needs to have you validate her pain. You get that she needs to have you ask to serve her.

Finally, you get that she needs to have you follow through.

This exercise is the work of Douglass Weiss PH.D. Heart2Heart Counseling Copyright © Douglas Weiss, Ph.D.